Stuff happens, I write about it

Routinely I get asked how many columns I have written and where do I find the subjects. Well, I haven’t kept an exact count but it would be somewhere in the vicinity of 2,500. As for column ideas, they are all over the place.

Column ideas don’t have to be deep. Recently I observed a fellow who got out of his truck and began walking down the street. His dog jumped out and followed. The man turned around and asked the dog, “Did I tell you that you could get out?” The dog turned immediately and hopped back into the truck. 

The dog didn’t seem to pout, but rather wagged his tail and looked over at me as if to say, “That’s my daddy. And he’s going to let me chase some cows this afternoon.” 

I thought to myself, many children don’t mind that well. Column stuff. And no, I’m not suggesting that children be left in vehicles unattended nor that they be treated like dogs. However, some of them might learn that not getting their way is not the end of the world. And chasing cows could even help address obesity.

Then I heard an advertisement on the radio about some guy who asks if your children are belligerent and obnoxious? He says he has a program that will fix them overnight. My question is, does he have a program to fix the parents? Yet another column idea.

Then just a couple of days ago,  I was waiting in a buffet line. A lady at the trough had three small children with her in line. Instead of seating them at a nearby table and fixing them a plate based on prior knowledge of their eating habits, she discusses in great detail each food group as she goes. Of course the kids want something from the Hershey bar group and are not impressed with vitamins and iron.

You would have thought this lady could have looked back at a line extending  almost to the door and note the concern from people who had to eat and get back to work. She only got the message when one fellow finally walked around her and went directly for the fried chicken. No, it wasn’t me. I thought about it though. But there were mashed potatoes and gravy before the fried chicken, and I was holding out that the lady would have an epiphany about life being short. I think buffet protocol would be a good subject for a seminar. 

And have you ever noticed how many people can’t fold a map? I would guess the number would be very near that number who don’t know to flush public toilets. Should we really need signs that say “please flush!” Does anyone really think that little handle was placed there to hang your camera on? Fortunately, some toilets flush automatically.  I would write about it, but do those people read?

Like I said, column subjects don’t have to be deep. They can be, though. I could easily write one about that time as a teen-ager I had to climb down into a shallow well to clean it out. While down there, I discovered a half-filled whisky bottle, a Prince Albert can and an oak snake. And when I say a “shallow well,” that term is relative to the whisky bottle and the Prince Albert can. With reference to the snake, I was on a journey to the center of the earth. Jules Verne, get me outta here!

(Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer, 985-4545. E-mail: dwain.walden@gaflnews.com)