I have read a lot about insomnia. Now I experience it. My problem seems to be that I can’t turn my mind off when I go to bed. I keep right on thinking about stuff. Sometimes it’s about ongoing projects, and sometimes it’s just pure junk. 

For instance, I wondered why no one has made a movie about a haunted mobile home. It’s always about a big old wooden structure with banging shutters. So I  concluded that if ghosts are real, then they must be really snooty. Or they are deathly afraid of tornadoes. 

Then that led to another thought. How can a ghost be deathly afraid?

I think this was on my mind because in the wee hours I had been watching “Monster Quest.” That’s one of those shows where they pump a house full of smog, put on some eerie music and consistently ask, “Did you hear that?”

To get some sleep, I actually tried counting sheep. When I got to 592, a very small sheep hit the top rail and fell back. It kept trying until it broke its leg, and I had to shoot it and convert it to mutton. I can never eat mutton again. I’m just glad cows are big enough to knock down the fence. It would be a real nightmare if I had to swear off cheeseburgers. Mutton is no problem. I just think of Little Bo Peep crying her eyes out and mutton gets very chewy. 

I thought about writing a self-help book: “How To Count Sheep Without Becoming Emotionally Involved.” And in case the movie “Deliverance” was intended as a documentary, it could have a much broader application.

I just couldn’t turn the stupid stuff off. I tried to switch to something more serious. So I wondered when President Bush would get us involved militarily in the Russia/Georgia conflict. And I wondered how the people in Atlanta would react when he did. 

There are medications that one can take to promote sleep but some can have strange side effects. You might be found in the backyard at 3 a.m. changing the oil in your lawn mower. Just make sure it’s oil and not syrup. 

 I’ve read a lot of tips on how to promote sleep. They include not eating anything after supper; not drinking alcohol right before bedtime; not investing in pyramid schemes and the old standby, don’t worry about stuff.

Well, it’s easy to tell someone “not to worry.” But we come into this world with that potential being inherent in us. So the effectiveness of that advice may only be as relevant as to how well other things are going in your life. 

For instance, for someone born on third base, being able to slide safely at second is not a worry.  I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being born on third base. It’s good work if you can get it. I should quote Mark Twain here: “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”

My wife was involved in a discussion recently with some other folks  on whether worrying is a “subtle” sin. Apparently some folks think worrying is a sin. So from now on, I’m not going to worry about having an occasional beer. 

And I’m not saying that mobile homes attract tornadoes, but I once heard a debate on whether there was weather on Mars, and someone asked if there were mobile homes there. I’m not sure if you can have urban legends in outer space. But if they do, all I can say is, “far out!”