You've probably heard about the “dog whisperer.” That's the woman who can whisper in your dog's ear and then the dog can whisper back to her, and then she tells the owner what's on the dog's mind. Then you write her a check and when you are four blocks away, she rolls in the floor laughing.

Now I've written before that I used to talk to my dogs ( I don't have one right now.) I didn't whisper in their ears, though. I just sat on the tailgate and talked to him/her like we were planning our next dove shoot or where the fish might be biting. Fancy would look at me as if saying, “Daddy it doesn't matter, as long as I get to go. And don't forget the bologna sandwiches.” Now she might not have been thinking that at all, it just looked that way.

But I never talked to other peoples' dogs and charged them a fee. I wouldn't want to be held liable if their dogs suddenly started chasing cars and biting the mailman.

Today I got an email from a service that apparently is some sort of support group for dog lovers.

The email asked me: “Are you frustrated with your pup? Feeling alone with your hound? Would you like a place to share your frustrations as well as your wondrous revelations about dog ownership? Does your dog have some issues and suggestions he would just like to get off his mind?” Then they give you a website for all the connections.

Well, I'm not saying that these things don't have some socially redeeming values. If you look hard enough, you can find good in a dirt sandwich … you know, minerals and such.

Among the things you can learn on this website are how to give your dog a massage, how to pick ticks off them and how to get them to listen to you.

I already know that stuff. On the massage thing, it doesn't really matter. Scratch his belly and he's happy. And how do you get your dog to listen to you? Try Vienna sausages. But don't expect him to be able to find your lost lotto ticket or to eat your homework on cue. Every dog listens, it's just that they may not care about politics or religion.

I've seen dogs that are high strung, laid back and somewhere in between. And when I was a kid, a neighbor's dog bit me ... the only time I've ever been bitten by a dog.

Yep, Old Rattler walked right up to me wagging her tail. She wasn't growling and her hair wasn't standing up on her neck. She just nonchalantly bit me on the behind like that was her job and that it wasn't anything personal.

For the record, I did not whisper to her.

Now I'm not saying that there shouldn't be dog whisperers or think tanks to discuss dogs. I've just never had any use for them. I've found that a few kind words, a walk, a tossed tennis ball and a little patience for dog slobber on the passenger-side window typically will produce a well-rounded dog and is indicative of a down-to-earth, well-rounded owner.

And like I do so many times when I write about dogs, I leave you with this prayer.

“God, please help me to be the man my dog thinks I am.”