Stick Miller: The nekkid truth
Hold onto your rakes and hoes, fun seekers. May 7 was World Naked Gardening Day, and if you missed it, do not despair. I have been assured there’ll be another one next year.
Proponents of this self-proclaimed holiday claim they’ve been dropping their drawers for 10 years now. Lest they think they’ve come up with something new and unique, let me remind them that Adam and Eve were the original naked farmers.
They frolicked around the mangos and the grapes eating at will and enjoying the birthday suits that the good Lord gave them. I like to think that it didn’t take long for them to realize that pineapples and prickly pears were not their friend, but they were naked and they were having fun.
Then Eve bit into the apple and all hell broke loose. Blame it on the snake for Adam and Eve, after eating from the Tree of Knowledge, felt ashamed and headed for the fig tree. Now I know a little about gardening and I have a fig tree. Fig leaves are fuzzy and itchy. There are other kinds of flora I’d have covered up with before I settled on a fig leaf, but maybe they didn’t have elephant ear plants in Eden.
So gardening naked is nothing new. Poet Edna St. Vincent Millay was known for her beautiful sonnets but she was also know to have doffed her duds in her own garden at her estate in New York. It was part of her “Bohemian” lifestyle. Seems to me the Bohemians get credit for inventing an awful lot of fun stuff. For the record, I have never seen a naked gypsy.
Walt Whitman was also known to have dabbled in gardening in the buff. Now I’m sure old Walt was young at one time but the only pictures I’ve seen of him were of a grizzled old man with a long white beard. Old Walt really shouldn’t have gotten naked in public and probably had no business gardening in the nude due to his prodigious whiskers. The story goes that he came in the house after an especially arduous day of pulling weeds and was surprised by a flock of pigeons and a skunk that were caught seeking shelter in his beard.
My impeachable sources also tell me that Alicia Silverstone is a devotee. As a young movie star, she finds the California heat in her garden oppressive so she removes bits of clothing one by one. When her chores are over, she dives into her pool to cool off. (Excuse me while I go jump in the shower). Alicia is an attractive young lady and is an active member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals). She can swim in my pool anytime she wants to.
In my exhaustive research for this column, I discovered there is also a World Naked Bike Ride that pretty much coincides with World Naked Gardening Day. The bike ride is “clothing optional” and involves some pretty long treks. Personally, I can think of a lot of things I’d rather do naked than ride a bike. For a person like me who suffers from a case of Nobuttatall Disease, they don’t make a bike seat comfortable enough to make a long journey. I’d have to strap a Barcalounger across the bicycle seat. I just can’t imagine sitting on bungee cords for that long. Besides, a large chair on the seat of my old beach cruiser might draw unwanted attention to my unclothed state.
The good news is that, if you missed World Naked Gardening Day, there is still National Nude Day celebrated worldwide on July 14. Unless it conflicts with your celebration of Bastille Day, you’ll be free to participate.
Me, I’m going to stay home and confine my nudity to my own shower stall.
I think it just works out better that way.
Boyce “Stick” Miller is an award-winning columnist living in Americus, Georgia. Contact him at email@example.com