… and the cats. For the purposes of this article, I officially remove my mantle as witty columnist and bon vivant, and make a shameless plug for a worthy event. You’ll notice I didn’t put on the frock, so I’m not preaching, although I might be meddlin’ a bit.

If you’re an animal lover or if you just hate vegetables, you need to be at Casino Night on March 7. If you are a selfish opportunist, you need to be there also, for the prizes are fabulous and many times they sell cheaper than you can imagine. As a donor of our beach condo for many years, we are always appalled at how little publicity the auction items get and for how little they sell. I write today to rectify that situation.

Let me give you some good examples of prizes that can be STOLEN at this year’s silent auction:

Three-night stay at Panama City Beach — I own a condo in this same building and I know what they rent for. You’d better jump on this one like “ugly on an ape.” Next thing you’ll know you’ll be sitting on the sugar sands of the Redneck Riviera!

Art work by local artists — we have a talented community when it comes to the visual arts. Both amateur and professional artists have offered tasteful works at past auctions and this year will be no exception. With a little encouragement, I might offer one of my paint-by-number renderings of Hoss Cartwright sitting in a number 3 washtub on “Bath Night” on the Ponderosa.

Jewelry galore! — Now I’m not into jewelry and I plan to keep my wife at a distance from this table, but there will be some pretty stuff in this year’s auction.

Tickets to various venues — here’s a “no brainer.” For instance if the face value of the ticket is $40 and you get it for $35, you’ve gotten a deal. Any way you cut it, the animals get a deal.

I am told there will be a children’s birthday party at our local Giggles. If my grandson lived closer, I’d be all over that one. Since he’s not, I might just buy it and have an adult party. I haven’t “giggled in a while.”

Blown glass from local artists — did you realize that Georgia Southwestern College (excuse me) University is the only place in the university system that grants a degree in glass blowing? Some of the work that comes out of those studios is incredible. This is “keeper” art. When I graduated from Georgia Southwestern, Dr. William B. King gave me a little vase. I treasure that just as I treasure the memories of my college experience.

Gift certificates to local businesses — this is a three-fold homerun. Money spent goes to the Humane Society, you get merchandise from local merchants, and it gives the merchants a chance to “showcase” their business and, hopefully, have you as a customer for life.

I could go on for hours, but you need to see it for yourself. There is so much more, but I am limited by time and lack of talent in describing all the goodies. Needless to say, if you are looking for some fine merchandise at “Grand Theft” prices, you ought to make plans to be at Rees Park School (for you politically correct, that building has now unwisely been renamed Rees Park Economic Development Center.) The fun starts at 7 p.m. and you can be home in bed by 10 p.m.

Look. This event is not about gambling (there really is none) nor is it about casino shenanigans. Both are against the law in the state of Georgia. It is about saving unwanted animals in Sumter County. These animals might not have shelter from the cold, or they might not know from where their next meal will come. Some are tied on ropes or chains with no hope of a decent life. Others meet their death in traffic.

Pre-sale tickets are $40 per person. At the door, the price jumps to $50. If you have nine friends, you can purchase 10 tickets for $350. Sponsorships are also available. Call the shelter at 924-0268.

There will be a cash bar, heavy, heavy — I do mean HEAVY hors d’oeuvres. Ol’ Stick has never steered you wrong about eating. I promise, you won’t go home hungry and when you settle under the covers you’ll have a good feeling about what you just did for our furry friends in Sumter County.

Boyce “Stick” Miller is an award-winning columnist living in Americus, Ga. Contact him at stickmiller@gmail.com